Hello again - its me! I know it has been a few days since I posted, I am lucky you even remember me! I kid - but on the inside I am a frustrated!!! Each week on Sunday I look at my calendar….and it looks a lot like this!
I mark things off as “done” that I can….but am often transferring things to the to do list for the next week. With my blog some weeks I am happy to see my posts finally making their way here….while others, I transfer the missed topics to the following week. Currently my blog is still in the “soft launch” phase. What does this mean? Well I have it connected to my Instagram account and under my Pinterest profile, but I have not started publicizing it. There are a few reasons for that choice. Some related to this sporadic schedule that can creep up on me. But other excuses are a reflection of not feeling the blog is ready. My writing is improving - but certainly still in a learning phase. The look and feel is good - but I want great! No spelling errors, tags for every post, the words that for some reason appear in the middle of my posts to go away!!!! Overall report - my blog is good and I am proud of myself for getting it rolling, but I want it to go to the next level - I want more.
This time next month I will be turning 30 - as in this exact week in March holds that day! 30 feels like a big milestone - along with the many changes for my life and that of my family that are on-going. It is a time I want to be reflecting on our memories and how far we have come, but I also want to document the now, and while sharing our exitement for the future. To me March seems like the PERFECT time for the public lauch….. but will I be ready? Will I be ready to put my little corner of the internet on display? Will people “get” my writing or understand the story I am hoping to tell? Will my spelling and grammar errors turn people away? Is this a test in letting perfection go and going for it?
These questions and the feelings of I want more have been swirling around my head and heart for days. I try to go back to what I know - I am proud of my efforts here and in many aspects of life, I am proud of my little family, and our life we work everyday to improve. I am proud to be at a point in my journey where I have found my voice and I am more comfortable using it than not. Getting back into work has been great and I feel constantly blessed for the day and night jobs I call my own. My dreams of organization excellence are improving all the time, my 2015 goals project is going pretty well (well except for that whole I have not posted about it much…..oops), and I feel a stride really forming. The cost for this sort of benefit is that when I don’t feel the stride - I can suddenly feel very stranded. There are so many things fighting for my attention right now I literally could fill every moment of every day with something productive….and even more than productive, things I WANT to be doing. My blog, my family, my projects, my organization, my closet, my reading, my new home…..all are calling for more time more focus more me!
It has been my practice lately to try and stop in those moments and remember I have so much because I want so much. In the short list of what is calling for me I have not even included some efforts I want decimated around CF or my aspirations for running. So even when I have good days and feel like I am moving forward well - those little demons in the back of my mind saying “good now move to what your NOT doing” sneak up. Now I say demons not because I hate the idea of more projects or don’t want to work out - I say it because the voice in my head saying “your not making it happen” takes the opportunity and turns it into failure before I have even tried!
This weekend I had an honest moment….I risk being my own worst enemy if I am not careful. I need to love the want….I need to embrace it and smile about it and classify these aspirations as DREAMS…..dreams that for the first time in my life are within my reach!! With what I have I am doing my best - not perfect- but well….and that is the closest to perfection as it is gonna get! So where does this leave me….well last night I had a chance to run or blog. I was in a fog of next steps and so craving that free feeling of running, so I ran. Yea I wanted to blog and it was on the to do list - but running was valuable too and I actually really needed it. So decision made and onto the next one.Earlier this month I was doing so well with make the decision of where to focus, what role to be in that moment and just BE IT. But as we talk moving and my to do lists are growing at work at home on my contract work - I was no longer even able to identify where to focus. So I am taking back control a bit - focusing on one task at a time and moving along my path of my life.
It is a weekend wrap up today - but I felt I needed to share the current state of my mind. Wading through a lot of these worries and thoughts this weekend helped me to prioritize moving and my husband and I was actually able to enjoy some great moments. My Sunday overwhelm was there but I fought through it by knowing this weekend was spent exactly it was supposed to be - about the changes in our little world here = moving. Once that brought comfort I have really worked to look at my desires and need for MORE as an gift- an opportunity to truly live.
As you can guess, most of the weekend was spent touring places, researching other ones and then comparing what we saw, how we felt about it, and creating the vision for what we are looking to accomplish with this new home. We will still be renting, but it is a place we hope to spend a year or two (or more - you just never know) and it will be the first place we have called ours for awhile. We are eager and particular all in one.
Before all that rental hunting, Friday night we started the weekend with the O’Connell Basketball game. It was a TERRIBLE loss to our rival high school - not the Friday night lights experience we were looking for…..good news, we got to see my sister dance. Her team did well at nationals last week and came back still with some dance left for the game this week. Bridget is a junior and looking at college, some far far away. It feels like we need to soak up this time of being a present part of her world and really she in ours….so Friday was not a complete lost cause by seeing her.
And maybe next time we will just stick to the hockey games - Dan’s team one due to the mercy rule with a final score of 11 to 1. Sadly this game took place before I was out of work…..so I had to settle for a basketball game. By the time that last game ended we were all beat and spent the evening on the couch catching up on the DVR to do list.
This worked out well as Saturday morning started with a bright and early appointment for place hunting and did not stop until 6PM that night! By the time we had visited and researched and compared notes and pictures and prices…..we were BEAT! Danny and I had visions of a nice dinner shared with some wine and comparing our notes to make a final decision. I guess everyone else was looking for a good meal as we could not find anywhere that did not have over an hour + wait!
In a loss of what to do but looking to blow off some steam and soak up some good grub…..we wandered down to Tuscorara Mills at Leesburg. This place has some great family history, owned by family friends - but most important to Danny and I, our rehearsal dinner was held here. We walked around even in the cold and finally landed on their affiliated woodfire pizza kitchen. Dinner was good, our conversation better and dreaming of our next steps the best part. We don’t know what the future holds nor exactly where we will live in a matter of weeks yet, but I just can’t help but soak up the realities that all of that uncertiany is out weighed by the certianty we have in each other.
We have been hanging for a while.....proof....
Sunday was a day of errands and to dos, week planning and catching up on work. I was feeling my Sunday blues….. until Danny had us sit down and talk about our house reviews. He did it with two computers and several Excel spreadsheets. In that moment I suddenly was transported again to Saturday night where I was just happy to be with my man on a date…this guy - this sweet and funny and cute and patient and loving guy - is speaking to me in terms that I not only appreciate but need when life is feeling out of sorts, Sunday night is feeling heavy, and decisions to be made only bring on more of a fog……getting organized and making spreadsheets. AMEN!
We still don’t have the PERFECT answer and you know I hope for perfect A LOT. I hope for perfect in my home choice, in my work life, with my blog, etc…..but perfection is not real. It never has been and never will be - but stopping and glimpsing moments to be grateful for - turning fears and frustrations into opportunities, and learning to not let your fear paralyze you from being present….it is not going to get more perfect than that my friends! Well it is a little more perfect….. you all let me work out these fears and frustrations and hopes and dreams…..so thank you.
