Weekend - That's A Wrap!

Happy Monday! The first Monday and “normal” day for us back to reality - so it almost feels like the true start to 2015!

Holidays have come and gone and it truly was in a blink of the eye. All these plans I had for my long vacation, all these date days and workout moments Danny and I had planned…..none of it happened. We did have some fun holiday hockey which I will talk about later this week…but besides that we both are pretty down and out with a nasty cold. The tough part being, as the cold is leaving from my body, it was making permanent residency in Dan’s.

After a week of trying to keep going despite the cold - to the holiday events, to his hockey plans, being with Q and I - it all caught up to Danny and came crashing down. Thursday night he had stayed at his parents after a hockey filled day. He was hoping just going there to crash versus the drive home would give him a boost of energy. Plus a night of sleeping without the hair of Shiba all over you seemed like it might be an added bonus. Thursday night turned into pretty much sleeping 48 hours until Saturday.

In the meantime I was saddened to have him down and out -especially not even home with me….but I did make the best of it finally getting to some blog writing and contract work. This is not how we planned the new year, but if I want life to keep going in a positive direction- gotta keep it going - period, even through the bumps.

By the time he felt well enough to try and come home I planned to pick him up Saturday evening. Grabbing PF Cheng’s on the way we enjoyed some down time with his family and then packed up to head back home. Packing Danny up, getting us home - that alone pretty much wore Danny’s last shred of energy.

As Sunday rolled in we knew a hospital trip discussion was on the books for the week ahead. Also, knowing I needed to get more work done that day, get to church, and we needed errands done and groceries bought - and Danny was pretty much couch bound, I got up and got ready early. I was feeling good, ready to conquer the day and not let our disrupted plans be too jarring to my mood. 2015 was here, we are planning a big year and this little bump in the road will pass.

Heading out to get my coffee pre-errands I realized I did not have a wallet. My wallet was lost. This little moment was the straw that broke this camel. Long story short it had gotten left at PF Cheng’s and was totally fine…but the fear of not knowing for a bit magnified how frustrating this moment in time is. We had plans to start looking at places to move this week, I had plans of using my day for ALL productivity, we hoped to really kick 2015 off with a bang, Dan looks the worst I have seen him in a long time, he is frustrated and scared, I am frustrated and scared, people I am sure are annoyed that it is always a roller coaster trying to make plans with us…..it all came pouring out. I just lost it.

But I am proud to say my lost it was not for too long. I recognized I don’t want to feel sorry for myself - I want change, I want good health for Danny, I want the best life we can have…..and piling on the fears and frustrations won’t help with any of those hopes. I headed to church that evening hoping for a sense of peace and centered….but I was late. Which I promptly added to my list of irritations. Then the tears started to fall and I just could not stop them. It really is just needing to get it out. Although church really is the best place to do it, I could not take the eyes on me so I left.

Once I had committed to my pity party I got home and just cried laying next to Dan (trying to just catch his breath on the couch). I really let it all out. He kissed me and said it will be OK….I was not a true believer in that moment, however I figured I had given in and now it was time to give it up. I sat down at my desk and did my daily prayers. As I wrote and prayed I shared with God my frustrations and fears. I asked him how just a few days ago I was so at peace, so excited, so confident in a new year - and now it felt all lost. I had done what I set out to do - help take care of Danny with nothing but a smile, not ignore my responsibilities but meet them head on and knock them out of the park (AKA do the house work, errands, my contract work - without one compliant and actually a smile and washed hair!)! How could this day have gotten so mixed up!!!

While I was praying and reading I came across this line: “I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, ‘I trust You, Jesus’ in response to whatever happens to you.” Do you think God heard me? Wow…..trust, faith, I can do all the things I want to be perfect, but I still need him and I may never understand his timing. This mixed with several messages and conversations with friends…..I felt better. In fact I felt strong again. I started to feel that peace again. Nothing has changed, Dan is still pretty sick and we are wading our way through potential hospital plans - but I felt a sense of peace.

2015 can and will still be our year, but I have to be prepared to not be perfect, to have faith in his plan and most importantly to remember to be proud of my effort…..not just my success. The peace and excitement I had just a few days ago is never far from me if I pray for it, if I will it, if I trust in it. Danny is hanging in there and we appreciate the prayers….and for now, I am glad I did Monday with a smile.