Sometimes I Pretend

Sometimes I pretend. I pretend that if I am organized enough, I am trying hard enough, I am worried enough, I am pretty enough, I am happy enough, I cheer enough, I pray enough, I hope enough….I can make Danny well. Sometimes I pretend that I am not jealous of those around me who seem to be “normal” and living a life I can only dream about. Sometimes I pretend that I don’t wallow in my fears and frustrations. Sometimes I pretend that I like advice from everyone on how to handle my tough moments. Sometimes I pretend that I am not mad at God. Sometimes I pretend that I willingly choose this life and am totally OK with all that comes with it. Sometimes I pretend this isn’t our whole life, it is just a bump. Sometimes I pretend this isn’t scary and that I don’t know that one of these hospital stays could change our life forever. Sometimes all I can seem to do is pretend.

The things is - I am really good at pretending. In fact, I have always been GREAT at pretending. Growing up make-believe was ALL I did . I was never a kid that totally loved building things or arts and crafts or video games - but pretending, oooo pretending was an expertise! My parents even commented how the hours would go by and I would be happily pretending! Our family piano bench as a school bus, the most detailed and amazingly accurate school classroom - complete with REAL text books and teacher grade book - or my bike I would ride around forever with one of childhood besties pretending to drop our kids at school and run errands. My make-believe has stuck out to so many family members and friends, they are often so surprised I never became a teacher. Pretending ….it is what I have always done.

Here is what I do know: Pretending sometimes makes me feel better and it often can give me the time I need to process, all while living the day to day changes. When I stop pretending and face my fears head on I know my anger at God is only because he knows the plan for our life and I do not. For my husband - I know true love - actual love is 1000% selfless. This is our life together and there are good days and bad days, there are fun things and hard things - but we both are facing unknowns and Danny, he is literally fighting them. Before anything I want to be a wife, a partner, and put him first. So letting the pretending down and screaming out my frustrations or fears or being angry and bitter - that won’t heal him. So with that choice, I should choose being a partner before what my emotions may want to do. And you know what? Pretending won’t heal him either.

Time and again I have said I don’t want my blog to be about CF - Danny does not want our blog to be about CF, but sometimes it feels like a BIG game of make believe because CF - it is our life. And I want to be organized and healthy and a runner and get good sleep and be the best me I can be and live my life…..but all of those things, won’t change that CF is in our life and it often dictates it. Today this post came to me so organically from the depths of my brain and the bottom of my hear I had to write it. I have to say this aloud….I have to try and heal and determine if pretending is really what I want to be doing, so here I am talking about CF.

For now, I don’t have an answer. I don’t know what I want even tomorrow to hold - but I do know saying this allowed, recognizing allowed that I spend a lot of energy processing our life and days like today is my life. These feelings and pretending is real and if sometimes I have to get it out…..then a blog about our life seems like the right place to do that. Its not about excuses for not getting my Thanksgiving post up or not staying on my running plan - its about recognizing that our life is going and I can’t control it - because one life does not work that way and two - no matter what I try and control, I can’t change certain realities. Pretending we are just busy and not prisoners to this disease, is just not realistic all the time. So what is the alternative? Learning to adjust. Knowing it is important to recognize where we have grown and celebrate those mementos. But truly best of all - after I get all these emotions out I wonder - can this help anyone?

There are silver linings in most things and today’s was relizing if I am pretending - that must mean others are too. It could be those right in my family or those who are in front of me in mass I don’t even know. Maybe I am praying and holding back tears….and the lady down the pew is hurting even more. I am lamenting a sick husband, what if she is healing from one that is lost. It is a tough thing to do - especially in my darkest moments, but the reality is life can ALWAYS be harder…and if I have to pretend to survive, maybe I need to be kind to others who may be doing the same thing too.

As you may have guessed, Dan’s hospital stay is getting more complicated. Yesterday we were awaiting discharge papers and somehow by this evening they have found kidney stones, the IV is having issues, his blood and clots and such are just not cooperating and we have no idea if this week will bring him home or take him to surgery for these stones. How did this happen? Last night over our hospital dinner we talked about the health changes that Danny is basically required to make in an effort to prolong his lungs stability….and how this is the only choice. So we started to lay out a plan and looked forward to kicking it off today with setting up our week once Danny was home…..and in less than 24 hours our whole week is completely blown. We can’t even attempt the hard work we want to do ……and frustrations are settling in all over the place.

So today - I could not pretend. I could not act like I was OK or strong or ready for whatever comes. I want my husband HOME. I want to enjoy Christmas, I want to sleep in the same bed, I want to plan our shopping lists or talk about errands…… but that day is not today. And although that is really hard - Danny and still were able to hug, kiss, and when saying good night - say I love you. Not everyone gets that - and I did not have to pretend our love is real.