Weekend- That's A Wrap!

Happy Monday! This evening I write to you in my comfiest of sweats, my heart humming along to Christmas music and a pumpkin candle, with a smile… Monday of a holiday week is over. I am one day closer to time with my family, the beautiful holiday season that makes you grateful and reflect on your life’s journey, your gifts, the people who line your path, and the God that makes it all possible. O boy am I ready.

Yesterday I was not ready…..yesterday I was drowning in my own haze of frustration. Yesterday I chose to lose it. To be honest I have no idea what really caused yesterday to be so hard. What I wrote about on Wednesday seemed to grow legs and arms and be trampling me. Do you have those days? I have written a LOT about wanting to be perfect, about achieving my vision, goal planning, being organized….but yesterday was the combination of it not happening and my heart breaking around the thought that it never will. I will never catch up, I will never be good enough, I will never, never, never…..and while this song was playing on repeat in my head the accompany dance moves looked like tears, anger, and lashing out. The hard part was I had just had a pretty good weekend. I had gotten a lot done, I had caught up on weeks of neglected tasks, Danny and I had made it see friends, mass and healthy food choices. But the shadow of my anger was never far enough away to stop and get perspective, until I totally gave in…..

On Friday the weekend started out wonderfully - Danny had a BIG game at the local ice house (his games are normally at the 5PM hour and an hour or so away- not giving me the chance to participate) and on the later side. Perfect for me to get home, grab some dinner, and meet up with my mom for margaritas before the game. Mom and my youngest sister Bridget had spent their day at UVA scouting out a potential program of study for Bridget - she is a junior this year and college is ALL THE TALK. This is for another post but I am very proud to say my family keeps a very healthy reality check about higher education. It is valuable - but not the only option and as of today was not even the chosen option for all of my siblings. Bridget is the most successful of all the Heppes in academics and says she really hopes to find a passion and challenge herself. That being her mission - we are all happy to support her and excited to talk that talk! We caught up about the visit, gabbed about the week and sipped our sweet, sweet cocktails. I literally felt the week melt away and the start of the weekend was here!

The game was an awesome one to be present for….last year when O’Connell played Briar Woods, our boys were not keeping up. But this year after some additional growth, new players and Briar Woods loss of so many graduating seniors, we did awesome and beat them 4 to 2! Dan was thrilled, the players were PUMPED, the audience was crazy excited and the night was deemed a success! We don’t really know the Friday Night Lights thing here in Nothern Virginia - but this felt as close as we could come and it was exciting. The night ended with a few DVR shows and bed, a very welcomed end to the week.

Saturday was dedicated 100% to digging out. Errands were run - the new car got a bath, my desk and basement apartment were cleaned to perfection, laundry was asked to find a new home (aka cleaned and put away) and we worked well into the evening on to dos complete with a Chinese dinner. It was a successful day - of course my dreams of completing EVERY to do list was a little lofty….but I had literally spent each moment of that day working on getting my to do’s done….on trying to feel like I was going to get it all worked out. This was a productive day and I had Sunday to keep with it.

Sunday morning Danny and I got up, got ready and got out the door. We ran to Target to get a few necessary items and a gift for our friend’s newest addition that we had plans to meet that morning. I was feeling a little worn and like staying in my PJs and surrounding myself with my work was a much better choice - but Danny was actually up, feeling pretty good and we chatted the whole 45 minutes to our visit. This is rare folks! Dan up, feeling OK, and laughing with me before noon….I realized in my desire to stay at home and just drown in my constant to do ’s I would have missed a chance to catch up with my hubby. When we get busy and I feel like I am treading water, my marriage suffers the most. Danny constantly gets put down my list because I have to work, or get things done, and then the lowest of the low….because I have more to do therefore, I am more important than him.

One person in our family did not get up.....

Our visit was good - our friends are so obviously natural parents and their new home remodel was beautiful….perfect place for their growing brood! But during my drive home my frustrations and fears and angers started to creep up and I could not stop them. Suddenly before I knew it hot tears stung my cheeks and I just sort of lost it. I think it was a combination of a lot of things - but the largest being that I never feel as if I am where I **want** to be - which means I am not doing well enough. This is a slippery slope, once you go down a drain of self criticism and loathing… you head into a dark place and lifting yourself out can be hard. The key is realizing why you are there and what changes can be made from it.

Sometimes there are messages you are meant to hear, sometimes there are things you need to learn and I think that is what happened yesterday. First I was able to talk with my mom and a friend - two people who truly are some of the hardest workers I know. They spend time doing and thinking of others constantly, I have never heard a sigh or complaint about what they have to do yet they are surrounded by people who are ALWAYS busy and ALWAYS announcing it. And you know what is odd - they are way more at peace. Their lives are so full and so busy - yet they are able to focus, get things done, be seen as successful and reliable and all without once picking up their violin and singing their song of woe. Both of them admitted I have a full plate a lot of the time, I have every right to get tired and lose it…but I also have only one thing I really can do - keep going. You are allowed to break and fall apart, but you aren’t allowed to stop going.

My friend said something so fitting - “it sounds like your facing and reacting emotionally to a set of circumstance and a set of choices. The circumstances can’t change, so all you can do is use the choices”. Deciede who you are going to be, decide what you are going to do, and then just do it. Then the message in an evening mass followed the Gospel where Jesus tells us whatever we have done for others we have really done for him. That story is a pretty straightforward - love everyone and you are loving God….got it. But the priest challenged us, don’t just give to the poor, don’t just be nice to your family…do not follow the rules just to get into heaven. Then you are missing the point, do good for the desire to bring good. Basically if you are doing the right thing to cover your ass….then doing the right thing is still about you.

The soundtrack of the words from mass and the wise words of my mother and friend suddenly were being played against the actions of my day. First of all I was focusing 1000% on myself. How I feel, what I want, how much I have to do and need help…. then it got worse, shoving those feelings and anger on others….. then it got much worse……make my husband feel this is all his fault. Now it takes two tango as they say, and Danny admits his not feeling good leaves a lot on me and he can panic and prepare to weather the storm more than want to talk through my feelings…..and in this moment when I don’t understand myself, I can’t blame the guy. In 10 years he has continued to improve and I ham able to take responsibility …. so even when you don’t feel like your improving - when you keep going you are.

What has come from my Sunday melt down…..a few things. First remembering that steps forward are good - even if they aren’t everything you want to accomplish, they are moving forward. Two I need to pick what I want in my life and focus on that - when you feel too stretched, you have to choose. Three - it can’t be all about me, I won’t survive. When I make it all about me, things get worse and I stop even moving forward at all. Finally constantly going back to the same old “I am not going to make it” is a broken record for both me and those who love me. This weekend I made some concrete, focused goals for November and December. I have assessed my life and continue to streamline and make the most of my days - if you want a lot you have to plan how to make it happen. And finally…..maybe the hardest of all - but I need to shift my mindset. I have to shift my thinking and speech….I have to take my melt down and make it matter. And what better time to be doing all of this then the time of year where you focus on your blessings and enjoy your loved ones.

In my thanksgiving prayer I am grateful for those who are supporting me both out loud and by letting me vent here. I wish you all a blessed Thanksgiving week…..even if it means realizing what you need to be thankful for, in a not so graceful way.