Tomorrow I officially start my new full time position. This role is one I have been searching for since last February. It is within the world of Association Management, working in membership. You all know I love a fresh start, especially of the variety related to a new need to be organized. Yes, I have not had a full time position since February of 2014. Yes it was extremely difficult and stressful for myself, my family and let’s be honest my bank account. As with so many experiences, as I look back and it officially comes to a close tomorrow morning at 8:30AM, I can say it was important to have this time and I learned a hell of a lot.
Let’s do a look back to the beginning…. my father is in association management and my first job (besides babysitting) was working for his association’s meetings team. I loved the job and spent every summer in high school and every winter and summer break in college within those office walls. There I learned office etiquette, how to be professional, work with volunteer leaderships and treat members. It was such an influential job and I did not even know it. In fact I sent my first ever email from that office, heck when I started I did not even have a computer as one of my supplies. That job played a big role in my life and I dreamed of someday having the same experience of a good team, strong mission, and dedicated career like so many I had the privilege of working with while there.
Skip ahead a few years…and a few colleges…and I landed my first official role (after an extended internship in PR) at an association. It was a different group and although I continued to learn I was mostly assisting and did not quite find that passion I was hoping for in a job. Plus I started to run into people that cut corners and told members what they wanted to hear without action to follow, as opposed to hearing what they said and want to help. The management style was very different than what I had previously experienced and I was surprised how different the “real world” really was….and started to wonder if I even liked it or worse - would I ever like it?
While there I met another association exec who ran a similar group and he invited me to come and see what they were about. After a few meetings and my sharing an interest in owning more projects and growing I was offered a position there. I spent four years at that association. There I made relationships that changed my personal life and excelled my professional life. I had my first significant promotion, I took programs and projects (both little and big) - made them my own and found success. I loved my job, I loved the team I worked with and I loved the office. Right in the heart of DC business district - I drove in often watching the different seasons float by as I watched my life unfold. At this role I went from Miss to Mrs, I had to learn the art of managing up, had the opportunity to go back to school, experienced having my own office, working late was a badge of honor…I grew up there, I flourished there, and I really loved what I did.
My last year there the management team changed a lot. The dynamics become extremely different and although I still had folks I loved to work with (some a I loved to play with too), jobs I really enjoyed, and the same structure I had come to appreciate - the tempature had changed. For various reasons - my own perceptions, attitudes and actions of others, the way of the work - I went from working towards goals to defending my work. It was no longer about the end game or the members or even the bottom line - it was about who was doing what, who was better, who was worse and how to win for yourself. I wish I could say I recognized this and rose above it or even flew under the radar - but I did neither and fell into many pot holes. I learned A TON, I left with my head held high - but after so many experiences that had me leaving the office with a smile on my face, I left with my ego bruised, my face hot with frustration and my eyes burning with tears. Things had changed and it was time to move on and luckily I was given the chance.
In March of 2013 I was blessed with two great opportunities. One extremely close to the job I was hoping to leave behind (sister organization, down the hall sort of close) and one that would be 100% new. I struggled with it - knowing that I would be leaving behind some amazing people that I really enjoyed and a few that I would have had the chance to work closely with….but this other role was a completely new start and even more amazing I would work from home and with my own hours. After the year I had where I felt like the sacrifices of time, self, family all for work had turned around and bit me in the a** - I really felt like a chance to be at home, work a schedule I designed - be with my boys (Quinlan was just adopted that month) - I took it. This role lasted 11 months. It went from joining a team that was part of an established group to a whole new start up firm. I went from marketing and customer relations to HR and accounting. Working from home back fired as I had MANY all nighters and even more often - never got out of sweats. Danny and I were living in 750 square feet with no real structure, no schedule, a new pup, an increasing illness, and no one leaving home for the day…..2013 was rocky.
During my time with that last job (and carrying over a bit of baggage from the role before) I lost my confidence, I ate to solve my problems, I lost focus on my family, myself, my dreams….and when the call came saying they were pairing down the team due to costs and I was out….I was faced with the most confusing feeling of grief, anger, failure and 100% relief.
That was a lot of background… but what I needed to recall was the very specific experiences that brought me to February 2014. Suddenly I was without full time employment for the first time in seven years - that alone is a shock to the system. I had left the path of what I thought I wanted for my career and only found jobs I hated even more - HR and accounting. My experience with other co-workers had gone from fun and exciting to hateful and hurtful. For our family, I was the primary bread-winner…and our insurance. We had not started a family, we had not determined what we wanted out of life….so I had used my job to define me. And like that it was gone….even a job I hated it stung. Next steps: job searches, plans, panics, freak outs, tears, fights, laughter (because what else can you do), food consumption, failed personal goals…..they all happened and all I could say was I am in a serious funk. I was just not able to get past all of this or heal. When you are a perfectionist, OCD, a-type….failing at what you think you are is pretty much the worst thing to happen, or so I thought, and I let that feeling sorta wash over me and take hold.
The funny thing is that on top of this mental game I was playing with myself - you are horrible, you screwed this up, and thank God you never have to do that job again, life is too short to stress about email…my body was also giving out. Not only had I gained a lot of weight with poor health - but I had gotten such an intense Candida infection (think yeast infection times 10) I was left doubled over in pain a lot. It was like no matter what I tried….I was hitting a wall. I would reframe my mind, my situation, my health approaches nothing short of 1 million times, but that wall was there and it would cause a hard stop. I was tired, I was hurting and when I really stopped to look it - so was my goals, my mental health, my faith, my physical health, my marriage - it was all in a weird place of just wrong.
By the time I had gotten to this conclusion it was early spring and a part time role had popped up with the association I worked with growing up. Sure it was going backwards a bit and I was going to be answering phones as a primary responsibility…but it was a job and it was only part time. I could continue to focus on my permanent next role and get back into the routine of going to work. From there I continued to work in other part time roles for other colleagues….and it was pretty good. Actually it was pretty great! I remembered what it was like to just work really hard at what you were doing - no matter how big or small - and how good the end of the day felt after that hard work. One lady even said to me why are you so happy to answer phones? Shoot - where do I begin??? It felt good to just be passionate and have others feel and see it….I was coming back.
In the meantime some big things were changing at home, in my faith practices, and best of all in my mental health. I can’t really say it was one thing or another that I did - and I can say it was hard work in a variety of areas. Like the kind where you sob to your best friend on the phone or requires a free lunch from your parents or where you look at your husband and he knows you are officially hurting beyond anything he can do. I see these different moments in my head….yet it is not really a pattern or timeline I can even form. All I can say is that being broken down to nothing….I had to literally say “God - its me…..and I just hurt…please help” and you know what…He did.
Our summer concluded with our Cape Cod trip that was full of good and bad moments. Yes beach and family and friends and lots of food and lots of drink…..that is great. But Danny and I still had quiet moments of such pain knowing we were about to end another season with no concrete plans….and I still felt weak. It was so frustrating. But September came and a new part time job and then before I knew it I felt really good and really ready and several real job opportunities presented themselves. Just like that - like God had to wait for me to really be ready…..sure I had said I was ready only about 1000 times before….but nope, I was not ready - my marriage was not ready, my faith was not there, my mental and physical health were still suffering…and as fast as the spiral downward came….it was gone.
Tomorrow’s new job is not the only new thing, I also am on contract for another group part-time, the team I had turned down back in 2013! O and the full time job - yea it was where I was answering phones. Ya’ll - does God have a crazy plan or what??? All of sudden my job woes are over and it is all with dream teams! Suddenly I am in the exact place I had wanted to be last spring….yet healthier and ready for it! However what this journey really taught me was that the job does not define me - I define me. And it was the true genuine me that was able to cultivate these opportunities and it is the true genuine me that will be here after these jobs are gone.
What about the rest of life - it is so much better. Perfect - heck no…..not even close. Like I planned to be in bed with newly painted nails, reading while gazing at my perfectly ironed outfit for the first day all laid out at 9:30 tonight…..and nope! But you know what this time gave me- a real look at myself and my life. First I learned a lot about the right type of pressure and the wrong type. Yes I need to be a good, faithful person- but having the prefect inbox will not assure your job security. Or I can’t worry about being the best wife, puppy-mom, sister, friend, daughter, daughter-in-law, granddaughter, neighbor….ALL THE TIME. In fact even 25% can be hard…but doing my best and offering kindness and love when it matters most is where the sweet spot really lives. But even more importantly I kept thinking how with all the free time not working I would get so much done….and I got some things accomplished (hello blog!) but not nearly as much as I thought (who has “to do list” for “if you ever get fired” - yea I am sorta sick) - there are still just 24 hours in a day. I can’t be good at it all….in fact I can’t be good at most….but I can decide what to be good at and be great.
This time has told me I need to be good to my body and my mind, I need to be good to my Faith and God - as he is so good to me, and I need to be good to my husband. He was with me through this and we both have learned so much….survived so much….we aren’t going to be able to have the life we want without this partnership, we are pretty much addicted to it (and happy to do so). No more just existing and learning to coast- but to stay addicted you gotta keep us as a priority. And the rest - I mean I still want to be an amazing sister and daughter and daughter-in-law and friend…..these are my people - they have protected and loved me right on through this tough patch! So you know what I have done..prayed. I have prayed to God - show me how to be a real, true, loving prescence for these people….please God let me just return some of that amazing support they have given me….just some because I will never be as good as them. And you know what, God has provided. God has called on my heart to be there in certain moments, sent certain notes or emails….He is helping me love on my people. All while reminding me….in His time, in His ways……HE WILL PROVIDE.
This was a long and rawly honest post. My journey is far from over (God willing) - and I am sure this is not the last rough patch…but it is one I have come out of and in this time I know God protected me. God saved me - God provided for me….God gave me the marriage I had been hoping to rediscover, God gave me the health that the doc said -one day it will just stop hurting and it did….. if you are facing a tough patch big or small….if you feel like I did at certain points: “Well the worst thing that could have happened for myself and my family, but we are all still here” - PRAY! Even when it is just "God I need You". He will hear you, He will be there with you….maybe not in the way you expect….but in the way you need.
