Life it Happens

?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8" standalone="no"?It has been 13 days since my last post. I have planned and planned and planned to avoid bouts of silence. This blog is a precious goal and something really important to me. I have been very excited about for quite some time - in hopes of doing it all right of course. So this was my first big mistake - reality though, there will be more - but darn it the first came so quick! Often we are our own worst enemies - sometimes our own best cheerleaders - but sadly I think I fall more often in the first category. Perfection is important to me - in fact a little too important. There comes a time when you are starting to worship perfection instead of effort - so I am here to acknowledge I am not perfect but that does not mean I am not worthy of this journey. So my first mistake - check, at least we got that out of the way - and now the blog can keep on rolling!

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Funny how this bout of silence and test of my will has come after my personal introduction. I shared openly my struggles with anxiety and OCD. I have come clean that my a-type is a eccentric and sadly it can be a little debilitating. The first few days of my blog break I let pass while I was in Charleston celebrating one of my closest friends bachlorette party. It was four days away and I originally thought I would have internet. As a new dutiful blogger I planned my posts, packed up my computer - I even perfected my draft posts on the plane. I was doing it - getting things done and making my blog HAPPEN! For an a-type it does not get much better than saying your to dos, writing your to dos and then DOING your to dos. I swear it is a type of high…..and I am addicted.

But we landed at the house and no wifi - darn it! No problem, I can walk to a coffee shop or figure it out. If I only do one or two posts instead of my planned four - no big deal, at least I am still doing posts. Hey some of my favorite bloggers have been found blogging in a McDonald’s parking lot just to get solid internet access - I can do it too. Well traveling with a group shared car and lots of planned festivities for the bride - the four days FLEW BY and no posts. No problem - I have the posts already started I will just explain myself and get right back to it. This pep talk happened on my way home……and then I landed. Life happens - that is all I can say. Some family happenings, some frustrating updates, some unexpected moments…..and I sort of shut down.

The unexpected was really tough and not something I can share publicly - it is not my story to tell, but I can say I actually chuckled to myself at one point thinking “I have not done my blog recently, but at least I know I have been open and honest”! I suffer from anxiety and need my faith and good people to fight it. This unexpected and what would come as a result left me overcome with “worst case scenarios” just swimming in my head, crowding my every thought and challenging my focus, on ANYTHING else. I was panicking and crying and reliving things in my head and then it was just easier to dwell. Dwell on what happened, dwell on what cold happen, dwell on my shortcomings (to do lists, blog posts) as a result. Just to dwell.

Once dwelling takes hold I have found it often leads to “I deserve” statements. I am trying to deal or cope or relax or get over….so I deserve: to sleep, eat, watch bad TV, neglect my to dos, spend money, anything to avoid life - so next I “deserved”. Now I have to stop myself and say some of my avoiding did lead to time well spent: I hung out with my mom and I saw both of my grandmothers, I caught up on sleep and felt the amazing sunshine on my face, I ran, went to church a little more, prayed a little more, cuddled my pup and hugged on my husband. But I also ate crap, watched very stupid TV and avoided my to dos like it was my job. The difference of my experience, and how I know I am blessed, is eventually I know my dwelling and deserving phases have an expiration. Some people’s do not and for those people I send my love and prayers. I am not a doctor and have never even played one of TV - but I can only imagine the severity of folks who take anxiety and dwelling and deserving and put it into a blender that is turned on high - and just suffer. Suffer through depression and total exhaustion and feeling they have no way out. I have a way out and for that I am grateful - and its time to take that road out.

When trying to adjust to the happenings of the world around you or get out of your own head there are a few pieces of advice I have found to be true and wonderfully helpful. The first I credit directly to my father: anxiety does not come from God. He does not want for us to be anxious, in fact he has offered us many, many ways to avoid it or circumvent it and we can actually guard ourselves from it through faith. The second I have heard from a variety of places- blogs, church, friends, family - if you spend time being grateful and helping others you will replace thoughts of anxiety and anger with gratitude and love. Both of these suggestions are taking a front seat in my line of vision and I hope to lead my purposeful action.

There is one last piece of advice I hope to share too and it is potentially the hardest one - if you keep yourself healthy, you will FEEL healthy. Hearing the analogies to address this concept can get really old (if you want your car to run well, give it high octane gas - uggggg: ya, ya gas I know) and I have never been one to treat my body “like a temple” - BUT it is true. I love french fries and a cold diet coke or Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha and chocolate croissant, margaritas and chips and salsa are the only way to spend a summer friend (followed by a Corona of course) - those are my happy places! However if I also focus on LOTS of water, fruits and veggies, healthy portions and exercising I just FEEL GOOD. Right now I am training for a 10K scheduled at the end of September….and along with the theme of this week, I am a little behind in my running too. However I am starting to get that running bug back that when I do run I just feel better. Suddenly the endorphins flow and everything sorta fades a little more in my mind and I can feel myself moving past worries and frustrations. These pieces of advice are where my energies will next be focusing - faith, love to others and being healthy (well as healthy as I can…..going to Cape Cod next week and I can’t say no to ALL my favs!!) and if you are facing a rough patch, I invite you to join me.

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Today is Tuesday - a new week has started, we are at the beginning of a new month and I am feeling ready for my new path. When approaching the blogging process it was recommended for success to be honest. In today’s world everything is extremely transparent - social media, information that travels at the speed of light, the ability to connect with others 24 hours a day- but it also makes the appearance of perfection in life very easy or it makes bitching and moaning a common and public form of expression….the goal here is just honesty with a balance of what is going well and what is a little rocky. Sometimes you have to look at the imperfection and why it can actually be close to perfection or where the good comes from the not so good. Sharing our struggles but also sharing our solutions - we want to be relatable, we want to help you while learning from you. Life is full of struggles and callings…..why not share them together. Life is a serious of mountains and valleys…..my valley was deep this time but the mountain can be just as high…….just gotta have a little faith.

Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled program and introduce you to Danny.