Last week I started the post “RSVP No - Again!”. We had just changed our minds on joining friends at the beach for the weekend, missed out on some other events the weekend before - and I was bemoaning the fact that we have to tell the same story over and over again. Not that people don’t get it (well, some people don’t but I have gotten strong enough to say - that is their problem), not that folks aren’t supportive, and most importantly not that it is the wrong choice. But writing the same email, trying to find a new way to be lighthearted and ask for another rain check….. we get sick of saying it as much as our circle gets sick of hearing it.
It was going to be another post where I get to say my peace and get frustrations out. The opportunity to reiterate that the path we have sometimes take is not the one we want…..but it is the one we have been given. I even debated about addressing some of the advice I regularly receive - take care of yourself, maybe it is better if Dan stays home alone, you have to live too. These comments are ALWAYS - I repeat ALWAYS - said with love and from a place of hoping to help, but I turn them into another moment of disappointment. First it was just Danny and I declining, and now for a second time I have to decline for me. For a second moment I feel I am letting someone down, I take another trip on the merry go round of guilt - all while wondering if I am doing the wrong thing…… none of these feelings last for too long - they more or less just come in waves of confusion….but I thought if I explained myself here, the world according to us, I could feel better and help others understand, we are just doing the best we can. Then Friday happened.
Well before Friday was Thursday, per usual, and I was gearing up for a 3.5 day weekend. Man o man was I getting excited! We had BIG BIG plans - house stuff, blog redo stuff, contract work catch up. In fact my elephants were already starting to get the best of me - I wanted these days to get me back to neutral, feeling on top of my game, but also this was vacation time….so I hoped to soak up some time with my boys - a surprise planned for Danny as a happy 10 years of dating/father’s day, dreams of pool lounging….. so I planned my whole weekend to a T!! Had my to dos, had each day organized for the most perfect balance of fun, productivity, exercise, Shiba moments, and Danny breaks. I was ready. Danny was having some tummy aches and problems - but I was sure a night of rest was all he needed. He had been working hard on a proposal for his mom’s company, coaching some, and just trying to do it all. If he slowed down just a bit, by the time I arrived home at noon that next day - he would be good to go.
Cape Code circa 2006
Friday morning came quick, but I was up and ready to roll - the faster I got to work, cleared that to do list, the faster I was home. Came downstairs, walked my pup, went to kiss Dan goodbye and he asked me to stay home. This seemed odd - Danny is pretty much a let him be and he will be OK sick person. Even when we are hospital or ER bound he is calling the shots, has a high tolerence for pain, and with only a few hours of work for the day it was surprising that he asked me to skip it. I would be back before he would even notice…but I stayed with him. Trying to busy myself with an art project….
Fast forward to 2PM and Danny and I were in the ER. The ER is not a new place for us…….just in the last year since I have been blogging we have been almost a half a dozen times. We have been on major holidays, in the dead heat of the summer, or the dark hours of winter nights…..and I think we are actually pretty reasonable ER patrons. It is expected that everything will be slow moving, we always come prepared with reading materials and a snack or two. No, this is not an afternoon at the park - but we have come to expect the unexpected and roll with it. Some visits are easier than others- but we know how to make it work. The key to this success? Well, practice makes perfect, and Danny knows his stuff. He knows what requires immediate attention, he knows when to just wait things out, he knows all his med list and every prick or needle mark up and down his arms. He is good at being patient and flexible, but more importantly he knows when to ask the questions. 10 years later I am getting the hang of it - but mostly, I am good at just being the supportive one or reaching for the ice chips. This trip was completely different from any other.
The thing I have come to realize about hospitals is between the odd smells, the distracting noises, the not so pleasant visuals, that fill our visits - there is always going to be someone who is worse off. Danny and I also try to remember this is just a part of our life - we always return to our normal world and that is what matters. So we want our blog to tell our story, but not to be all CF or tear jerker, poor us. We believe in staying positive, that every glass is truly half full, and that mental health is more important than anything your body does to you - all this to say, I would not admit to this being hard unless it truly is - and this ER visit followed by the 5 days in the hospital - they were hard. Hard like the worst of our 10 years together and Danny has ventured to say one of the worst of his life.
The pain and true agony Danny suffered from was due a small bowel obstruction that left him either sick to his stomach, yelling in pain, or in an out of awareness. When Danny is sick 99.9% of the time waves of pain or irritation make him request space, non-touching support, a quiet place to sorta white knuckle his way through it….but this time he reached for my hand, begged for back rubs, and pleaded with his parents and myself to find him relief. The only way I could think to truly describe the experience? It was like watching someone get their fingernails plucked out…one by one by one. He was miserable and watching my strong, confident husband, flinch with pain, fear what was happening, pray for just a little sleep - the all consuming emotion could also not be eased.
As I choked back tears on several occasions - and let them stream down my face on others - I was certain the nurses figured this was my first time at the rodeo - and for an experience like this, it was. My heart just broke for Danny and I struggled to imagine if this was what every hospital stay was like. In those dark hours of 3AM, I longed for a our IV frustrations or days that get extended due to paperwork mix ups. Danny says he does not remember much, but he knows he was praying a lot and wondering what would happen if relief never came. This bump in the road was a big one.
The good news - Danny did finally have relief, and even though still sore and with a limited appetite a week later, he is home and we are feeling blessed. Rainy weekend at home, afternoon walks with the pup as the sun beats down warm on your arms, our own bed….we feel like millionaires. Drunk on the riches of our simple life that are so often just overlooked. And although painful and never something you want to see happen again, this was not his lungs and we are grateful that at this point long term damages seems minimal.
The silverlining? We have never appreciated our parents so much. We know we are blessed with great families - always there for us and over the years they have lent a hand so many times. There is no question we would not be where we are today without them. But the needs over this visit grew exponentially and fast. We are 30 years old and still just needed our moms to make thing better. At 3AM as Danny faced a rocky decision point - he stopped everything until his mom was by his side- and Pat? She was there in record time! When I was facing piles of laundry with only a few hours at home each day to shower ad not one more pair of yoga pants that did not have a hole - my mom delivered a shopping spree stash from Target. Our puppy was shuttled between homes, our siblings were all just a text away, my dad providing a consistent calm voice of “don’t worry about a thing” (even after our Shiba found a skunk in their backyard and got SPRAYED, leaving the stench throughout my parents house!!!), and my father in law the repeated bathroom duty support for Danny. We are so in awe and grateful for their eyes, ears, arms, legs, and brains that continued to function, when ours forgot the way.
Wednesday afternoon Danny was released and has been home resting since. We are slowly starting to return to normal life - attacking the piles of laundry, the missed deadlines for my blog re-launch, or swimming our way through my contract work emails, making up for Father’s Day, and hoping to celebrate our 10 years soon. There is no doubt I have moments of overwhelming….but they are immediately followed by two feelings: the first: I fell off the face of the earth for almost a week and the world did not end. In fact I could pick up where I left off, keep going, and feel confident knowing I was exactly where I was supposed to be - at the bedside of the love of my life. It has taken a lot of years - and I still struggle as I thought about my planned RSVP no post - but I am starting to get it, this is my life, this is my family and anything I need to know - I find in the warm embrace of my husband’s hand. Everything else? Its just life and it will be there. The second, we longed LONGED to just feel the sunshine, or the fat rain drops of the summer storms we watched from Dan’s hospital window….and now that we are home, we can have those moments any time we want. Life is an incredible gift and we plan to soak it up.
Thank you for letting me pour my little heart out here….thank you for being patient as we get back to the real world….and for those who do follow us on social media and knew about our recent adventures, thank you for your support. This life is unique and has a lot of unchartered waters…..but we are so proud of ourselves for naviagating them first and foremost together, second with people who have chosen to love unconditionally, and for the chance to remind the rest of the world that perfection is not in doing it all right, perfection is doing the best you can with what matters. Danny and I celebrated 10 years of being together this last week and I can say through all the muckity muck of these last two weeks….we have never been more in love.
And as I go to hit “post” on this little novel….. “I hope you Dance” comes on the radio…. o wow, God knows our hearts…..cling to Him and do your best to dance friends….we will all make it.
